About Me…About Us…About Grief

I couldn’t possibly do an “about me” section and just tell you about myself. Certainly not just about who I was before. Certainly not just who I am now. And certainly not just about me…because who I am is defined by my children.

About Me: Before. February 18, 2014. I was the Mother of two beautiful little girls. My oldest, Madison Charlotte. A bright, funny, kind seven year old little girl. My youngest, Carly Rose. A silly, wild, smart, happy three year old little girl. She had turned three barely a month before. I was a happy, easy going, look for the bright side of things kind of person. I spent my days running an in home child care center and my evenings running to dance classes, girl scout meetings, parent/teacher conferences and planning the curriculum for the kids in my care and for my little girls.  I was a teacher before Maddi was born…working with kids of all ages and ranging from an infant/toddler provider to the director of a before and after school program. When Maddi was born I decided to stay home and believed fiercely in continuing her education at home with me along with her public school education. As well as preparing Carly for her inevitable entrance into school. We were always crafting, baking and reading books. I was the type of Mom who truly reveled in every second of Motherhood.

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My girls. Our last Christmas together.

I never minded my girls climbing into bed at night, for even then, I knew, those moments were fleeting. I never minded missing my favorite show (you know, before dvr!) to spend extra time in bed with my girls …reading books, snuggling, singing lullabies. I watched intently every single dance class…I loved doing homework with Maddi and science projects. I loved reviewing spelling words and knew even the bad days were exceptional days. I LIVED for my girls…I LIVED to be a Mom. I was MEANT for it. Even when money was tight…when bills went unpaid…when the world around me seemed so hard…I knew I had an amazing gift in front of me and that made all the bad in the world melt away.

About Me: Now. February 20, 2014. The Mother of two beautiful little girls….but one…in Heaven. Since this day…the day after we lost Maddi…I have struggled to redefine who I am. As a Mother and a wife. That happy go lucky, easy going, crafting, silly, playful Mom…was dead. I spend a lot of time crying…still…nearly three years later…and writing. We, Carly and I, spend lots of time beside the ocean…listening to the waves…building sand castles…looking for Maddi. I didn’t work for about a year and a half after Maddi was stolen from us. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t handle caring for someone else’s child when mine was gone away. I am a nanny now. I watch two little ones, age 6 and 8. Carly comes with me and loves it. I have found a “new” me…it’s not half of who I was before but for now, it’s enough, I guess. We craft…we go out…we spend an exorbitant amount of time spreading kindness. It’s this passion of mine…maybe obsession. We have a Facebook page, Kindness for Maddi, where we share all of the things we do and where almost 3000 members share their love for Maddi and the love of spreading kindness. It’s a continuation of my love for Maddi…a way for me to continue mothering her, in the only way I can. That is a topic I will get more into at a later time.

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I am not who I was before. I miss who I was. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself. Writing “about me” is weird. I’m still figuring “me” out. And I think those of you reading this, who have lost a child, understand this. When you lose your child you have to redefine yourself…as a Mother, wife, woman, human being. At a cellular level, you are a shattered version of yourself. You are but bits and pieces of the person that existed…for me…merely a nanosecond before. At 8:52pm I was me… and 8:53pm …I wasn’t.

I guess that’s “about me.” Thanks for reading my blog. I look forward to sharing more with you.

 

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