Welcome

This is my grief journey. It is a journey I go on unwillingly. A path I never wished to walk. One that I am dragged down, by the hands of time…my nails digging into the ground…scraping at the Earth. I try to run back down the path…over and over…and each time my body slams into a wall…the wall that separates my life…my existence…the before and the after. They say, that you never know you are living in a before, until you are living in an after. And that is the truth.  No matter how many times I run…no matter how fast…I still hit that wall…and it never cracks or shatters…it holds firm…separating the life that I knew…the life that I had planned…and the one that I live now. So I walk down this path. Sometimes I crawl…sometimes I walk…sometimes I sit along the edge of the path…rocking back and forth, unable to move. Every sunrise and every sunset thrusts me further and further away from …before. Every sunrise and every sunset thrusts me closer and closer to the day that I am reunited with my daughter.

I imagine her, all the time, standing along the ocean shore. A place she and I spent hours and hours sun bathing, sand castle building and shell collecting. I imagine her standing along the ocean shore…her toes tickled by the waves as the tide makes it’s way in…in a pretty pink sundress…the sun beginning to set. I imagine the way the sunset would light her face…how the pink would of the setting sun would engulf the world around her…and suddenly…I will be there…standing beside her…as if not a moment has gone by. I find her at the beach all the time… when I look out on the horizon…to the point where the ocean meets the sky and I can see no further…I am certain that is Heaven…and that is where we will meet.

So, welcome to my blog. This is a place that I will share my deepest pain…where I will share with you about my life before…and my life after. I welcome your comments and your stories…for we are on different paths but we are in the same forest of longing. Thank you for visiting my page.

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About Me…About Us…About Grief

I couldn’t possibly do an “about me” section and just tell you about myself. Certainly not just about who I was before. Certainly not just who I am now. And certainly not just about me…because who I am is defined by my children.

About Me: Before. February 18, 2014. I was the Mother of two beautiful little girls. My oldest, Madison Charlotte. A bright, funny, kind seven year old little girl. My youngest, Carly Rose. A silly, wild, smart, happy three year old little girl. She had turned three barely a month before. I was a happy, easy going, look for the bright side of things kind of person. I spent my days running an in home child care center and my evenings running to dance classes, girl scout meetings, parent/teacher conferences and planning the curriculum for the kids in my care and for my little girls.  I was a teacher before Maddi was born…working with kids of all ages and ranging from an infant/toddler provider to the director of a before and after school program. When Maddi was born I decided to stay home and believed fiercely in continuing her education at home with me along with her public school education. As well as preparing Carly for her inevitable entrance into school. We were always crafting, baking and reading books. I was the type of Mom who truly reveled in every second of Motherhood.

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My girls. Our last Christmas together.

I never minded my girls climbing into bed at night, for even then, I knew, those moments were fleeting. I never minded missing my favorite show (you know, before dvr!) to spend extra time in bed with my girls …reading books, snuggling, singing lullabies. I watched intently every single dance class…I loved doing homework with Maddi and science projects. I loved reviewing spelling words and knew even the bad days were exceptional days. I LIVED for my girls…I LIVED to be a Mom. I was MEANT for it. Even when money was tight…when bills went unpaid…when the world around me seemed so hard…I knew I had an amazing gift in front of me and that made all the bad in the world melt away.

About Me: Now. February 20, 2014. The Mother of two beautiful little girls….but one…in Heaven. Since this day…the day after we lost Maddi…I have struggled to redefine who I am. As a Mother and a wife. That happy go lucky, easy going, crafting, silly, playful Mom…was dead. I spend a lot of time crying…still…nearly three years later…and writing. We, Carly and I, spend lots of time beside the ocean…listening to the waves…building sand castles…looking for Maddi. I didn’t work for about a year and a half after Maddi was stolen from us. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t handle caring for someone else’s child when mine was gone away. I am a nanny now. I watch two little ones, age 6 and 8. Carly comes with me and loves it. I have found a “new” me…it’s not half of who I was before but for now, it’s enough, I guess. We craft…we go out…we spend an exorbitant amount of time spreading kindness. It’s this passion of mine…maybe obsession. We have a Facebook page, Kindness for Maddi, where we share all of the things we do and where almost 3000 members share their love for Maddi and the love of spreading kindness. It’s a continuation of my love for Maddi…a way for me to continue mothering her, in the only way I can. That is a topic I will get more into at a later time.

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I am not who I was before. I miss who I was. I look in the mirror and hardly recognize myself. Writing “about me” is weird. I’m still figuring “me” out. And I think those of you reading this, who have lost a child, understand this. When you lose your child you have to redefine yourself…as a Mother, wife, woman, human being. At a cellular level, you are a shattered version of yourself. You are but bits and pieces of the person that existed…for me…merely a nanosecond before. At 8:52pm I was me… and 8:53pm …I wasn’t.

I guess that’s “about me.” Thanks for reading my blog. I look forward to sharing more with you.

 

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Contact

Hi! Thank you for checking out my blog! I hope my words somehow help or inspire you. Maybe you have a question for me…maybe a comment about my blog…maybe you have something you want to share with me. Fill out the form below and I will get back to you as soon as I can. This world of grief is lonely but you are not alone. So much love to you.